You’re engaged, congratulations! What an exciting day! Once the adrenaline rush has calmed a bit, I want to ask you and your future partner some serious questions. Here are 10 important talking points prior to “I Do” to discuss with your partner.
Tip: Bonus points if you cover these talking points prior to getting engaged!
1. Finances & Money
Many of us loath talking about money, but as a leading cause for divorce, it’s first on the list of important talking points for a reason. So let’s rip the band-aid off and open the conversation around your finances.
Tip: It is easy to get defensive about money. When my husband and I discuss financials, we open by reviewing our goals and the conversation goes much smoother. For example, if we both agree that it is our financial goal to eliminate our truck payment, making adjustments to spending habits is less of an attack and more of a team playbook.
Current Status
Begin with a review of where you both currently stand with your financials.
Is anyone in debt? If so, how much? Does that person have a plan to get out of debt? Are you aware of your spending habits? Are you a spender or a saver? Do you have money in savings? What is the plan for your saved money? What income are you currently bringing in?
Future Status
Next discuss your future financial playbook.
Who will be responsible for overseeing the household finances? How will financial discussions look in the future? How often will you be reviewing your financials together? Will both partners be responsible for bringing in income, or will one of you opt to stay home at some point? What are your milestone financial goals?
In my opinion, Dave Ramsey is a leader in discussions around finances. Follow the link here to learn more from Dave about money and marriage!
2. Reasons for Marriage & Wedding Day Expectations
Reasons for Marriage
Marriage means different things to different people. What does a marriage mean to you? How do you feel about divorce? Have you considered the reasons why you want to get married? As a lifelong agreement, more effort needs to be put into this discussion than into wedding day planning and preparations.
Wedding Day Expectations
Some people, like myself, have dreamed of their wedding day from a young age. Others might not have given it much thought beyond going to bed that night with a spouse. Be respectful of your partner’s expectations and be open to hear each other’s wishes.
What kind of wedding do you really want? Will all your friends be invited, or just family, or just a couple witnesses? How much money do you want to spend on your wedding day? What will be your last names? Is it important to you that religion be integrated into the wedding ceremony?
3. Core Values, Religion & Politics
Core Values
What are your core values? What are your topic priorities? Who is the most important person in the world to you? How important is family to you? Who are your biggest marriage influencers? What goes on social media?
What are your non-negotiables? (non-negotiable = status quo items that will be continued) If there is something you don’t align on, is it a deal breaker? What is a deal breaker for you? (deal breaker = items you will not tolerate)
Religion
Do you belong to a religion? What are your expectations from your partner in regards to religion? Do you have any religious traditions that need to be respected? Is it important to you that religion be integrated into the wedding ceremony?
Politics
What are your opinions on politics? Do you have differing political views, and is that a deal-breaker?
4. Future Living Expectations & Goals
You might think you know your partner so well, there doesn’t need to be a discussion around your future living expectations. And it is not uncommon for couples to live together prior to getting married, giving them a sense of how things will be after marriage. However, this topic should still be brought up in case there are things your partner is anticipating once you tie the knot.
Future Living Expectations
Where do you want to live? What does your dream house look like? What will be the division of household duties? For example, who will be responsible for most of the cooking? What do celebrations look like for you? How do you feel about pets?
Goals
What are your career goals? What is your dream vacation? Do you want to travel? What does retirement look like to you?
5. Children & Parenting
Children
You might be surprised, but some couples get engaged having never discussed if they want children. If that is you, now is your opportunity to ask the question. Do you want children? If so, how many children do you want? How will you support each other if there is a struggle to get pregnant? How do you feel about adoption?
Parenting
Before labeling yourselves with main stream parenting styles, start with an open discussion around how you want to raise your kids.
Who will be the primary care-giver? Will one of you be staying home with your children? How do you feel about spanking your children as a form of punishment?
How will you educate your children? Will your children be raised with a religion in mind? Do you expect your children to help out around the house? Do you expect your children to get a job when they are of age?
Tip: Now that you have some key elements established, feel free to look up the main stream parenting styles. What is your preferred parenting style based on your agreed values?
6. Personal History
This might seem obvious, but have you shared your personal history with your partner? Do you have any secrets? Are there any skeletons in your closet that might come back to haunt you?
If you haven’t shared these items before, now is the time. You might not have wanted to share things before, and still hesitate to share them now, but it’s best to speak up. Respect the person you want to marry with honesty out the gate.
7. Communication Style & Love Language
Of all the important talking points listed here, this one is HUGE in our relationship. Even though we were aware from early on of our differences on this topic, it’s still one that we are working on regularly.
Communication Style
What is your communication style? Do you prefer to hold things in or speak up in the moment? Do you like to linger and think through a discussion, or do you prefer to have it resolved in one sitting?
How can you help your partner when they are stressed? What topics do you find difficult to discuss? How much alone time do you need? How much together time do you need?
Love Language
What is your love language? How will you honor your partner’s love languages?
Tip: If you don’t know your love language, I recommend taking this online quiz to discover you own. Or read up on all the love languages with this book. (link is affiliate)
8. Family & In-Laws
We touched on the importance of family earlier, but there are a few areas that require a closer inspection. Are there any family traditions to uphold? How often do you anticipate seeing your parents and in-laws? Will a parent or in-law be moving in one day? Who is responsible for communicating recent events to your parents and in-laws? Are there any boundaries that need to be discussed with your parents and in-laws?
9. Property & Inheritance
This next one can appear a bit odd to discuss so early, but try to answer the questions as best you can.
Do you own any property right now? How will property be held in future? (aka whose names will be on title and legally own the home/asset) Are one or both partners bringing in substantial amounts of money or property? If so, should a prenup be considered?
Is there anything you might inherit in the future, good or bad? (example of bad inheritance being debts from relatives, etc.) Who will be responsible for taking care of your elder family members? Who will be responsible for managing affairs for deceased family members?
What do you want to happen when you die? What kind of gathering or celebration of life would you prefer? Do you have a will?
10. Intimacy Expectations
Ending our list of important talking points with a spicy one: intimacy expectations. Believe it or not, your partner might not have the same expectations as you when it comes to showing affection.
How do you feel about your sex life? How do you want to handle differing sex drives? What are your opinions about porn? For example, is porn cheating? What are you okay with and, more importantly, what are you not okay with?
Intimacy goes beyond the bedroom as well. Will you help nurse your partner back to health when they are sick? Can you be a touchstone for your partner when they need someone to lean on?
Tip: Continue to date each other and don’t stop putting in the work. A marriage needs attention to thrive. On that note, who will be responsible for planning date night? I recommend a rotation, but do what works best for you!
I hope there is something you were able to take away from this list of 10 important talking points prior to “I Do”. Remember to Pin this post for when you are ready to have these important conversations.
I am looking for couples ready to share their wedding day story. Please nominate someone in the comment section below, or email me at jenni@anexcitingday.com, to be featured in my next REAL WEDDING post!
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Great list! So important to learn and grow together, and knowing these ahead is so helpful to a marriage!
I agree! Not to say people can’t learn these things later and still have a fantastic marriage, but learning more about each other before tying the knot could be helpful.